laxed

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 12:06:39 GMT

soooo... yesterday i ended up eat about 400 calories.. if i didn't, it would have literally fasted for 24hrs lol. FUCK ME.

Today weight is 115 Lbs.

Measurements;

neck - 12
chest - 31 (0.5)
ribs 27.5 (1.0)(0.5)
waist - 26 (0.5)(1.0)
hips - 31.5 (0.5)(0.5)
thighs - 20.2 (0.5)(1.0)
knee - 14.9 (0.3)(2.5)
arms -11.4 (0.5)(1.5)

So i have to lose 3.3 inches, just so i can get back down to my lowest again. I'm hoping for wednesday or thursday to reach this... by fasting.

From my lowest, i have to lose about 7.5 inches to get to my goal target!!!
Holy fuck, that is a LOT of inches, damnnnnnnn. oh well, i gotta do it if i wanna be a lean mean walking machine, hahahaha. i wanna reach this in 12 days... saturday! so wish me luck! I'll keep updating when i get a chance to measure myself : )

BYE!!

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 03:15:43 GMT

Today was the L A S T straw.

I actually got the flu, a fever and i think an inflammation on my lower left abdommen, but i'm not too sure, but i won't go to the doctor, i'm just going to wait til i got back home and check it out then.

All i've been doing is sleeping and crying...
and i have a midterm on thursday and i haven't studided yet. I'll be crammin tomorrow like a fuckin idiot that i am.

My eating disorder has taken a horrible turn, i know i can never get any better. My anorexia is so damn overwhelming, and i don't know how to fight it, or whether i want to or not. I just want to be skinny, even if it kills me. Truth be told, after all this abuse to my body, i wouldn't be surprised if i was dying internally. But maybe its better that way, maybe i wasn't meant to live on this earth, maybe i wasn't meant to survive.

What confuses me is that, yes, i want to be thin, but i don't want to emaciated. I want a thin body; with no stomach sticking out, with my hip bones proturding, with my inner thighs not touching. But why do i still cry? Is it because its so hard to obtain? What the hell is it? Or is it because i know what i am doing to myself and i can't help it, but see myself suffering.... that i'm wiling to give up all those who love me, just so i can be skinny?

Earlier, i blocked everyone on my msn. I just don't want to talk to anyone while i'm doing this, its so hard because i wanna reach out and ask for help, but i know i don't really want that, because i know i won't be truly happy, i'll just be in denial.

The only person i didn't block is this boy i recently met. He doesn't know i have an eating disorder, he seems to be pretty attracted to me, and i'm so attracted to him. I really want us to have something. He lives back home, and i'll be home perhaps in a month or so. So i'm hoping by then i'll be so much thinner, and it'll be warm, so it'll be really nice. I can't wait.

Its my friend's bday in a week or so, and i don't think i'll be going home... not being as fat as i am right now, no way. But i know i have to go home sometime this month either way, so maybe on the 21st or something, cause thats a long weekend. I want to go home and everyone will be shocked and really impressed with me, asking me for details and everything! most of all, i want to be proud of myself. But i know that going home being much thinner will get my family worried, but i don't care. They never know how much i'm suffering, maybe now, they'll know, all i wanted was to be loved... and not to be lectured about how i'm not good enough. I miss my dog so much though, he's the only thing i care about so much.

When is it ever enough?
When will it ever end?

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 20:32:40 GMT

http://www.michelle-ye.com/admin/gallery/20040906_HIM_8.jpg

http://www.michelle-ye.com/admin/gallery/20051227_Miss_Beauty_5.jpg

http://www.michelle-ye.com/admin/gallery/20051227_Miss_Beauty_1.jpg

http://www.michelle-ye.com/admin/gallery/NP_Evening_Gown_3.JPG

http://www.michelle-ye.com/admin/gallery/2006_CA2_28.jpg

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 18:45:45 GMT

YES BABY!!!!!

I reached my first goal a day earlier!!!! Hell yeah motherfucker!!!!

Today's measurements:

neck - 12
arms - 11.1 (-0.2)
chest - 31.3 (-0.3)
ribcage - 27.7 (-1.2)
waist - 26.1 (-0.6)
hips - 31.3 (-0.3)
thigh - 20 (-0.3)
knee - 14.7 (-0.2)

SWEEEEEEEET!!!!!!!
The (-#) are how much i still need to lose to get to my lowest from this summer!!!!!
ITS GONNA HAPPEN MOTHERFUCKER. I KNOW IT. I CAN FEEL IT, BREATHE IT!

Next goal 107.5 by Tuesday!!!!!! 5 days from now to lose 2.5 pounds, SOOOO DO-ABLE!!!!!

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 18:29:32 GMT

Yippee me,

Day 2 of fasting!!! =D

So awesome!!!!!
I'm going to fast until i lose hardly anything, then i'll eat something and up my metabolism!!!!!!! yayayaya!!!!

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 21:49:13 GMT

REMEMBER:

You Are The One Of Those Average Fat Asian Girls.

I am so disgusted with myself, i want to be thin, i want to be small, i am a fat pig.
I am so disgusted, i don't want to even look at myself, Now i finally understand why He would never like me, I am nothing, nothing but a fatass, i don't blame him at all, i don't even want to be with myself.

I AM NOTHING, BUT A PILE OF FORMED FAT.

I want to be skinny, i'll even die just to be skinny.

Fasting Day One - 18hrs in.

I don't want to be healthy, i don't want to be toned, i don't want anything good for my body, i want to be small, fragile, and broken.

BREAK ME.

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 04:30:25 GMT

My dear friend asked me a question tonight,

"think of a time when u were happy"

and i did think... but i couldn't find one, i couldn't even answer her.

='(

HELLO 107.5 BABY!

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 05:56:21 GMT

Yep, this morning, 107.5 pounds.
Mind you, i ate tons and tons the night before the night before, lol.
It was my party, so i'll do whatever i want to, haha.
But anyways, yeah, i'm happy... and stunned.

NEW MEASUREMENTS (Aug 20,07)
Height: 4'11
Weight: 107.5

Neck: 12
Arms(biggest): 11 somehow i cannot get any lower FUCK!
Chest: 31
Ribcage: 26.5? (-.5)
Waist: 25.5 (-.3)
Hips: 31
Thighs(biggest): 19.7 (-.5)
Knee(biggest bulge): 14.5

OK BOO, NO DIFFERENCE!
STILL VERY FAR FROM DREAM MEASUREMENTS! CRAP!

Goal: 104 by Aug31,07

RECAP

MY CURRENT MEASUREMENTS (July 29,07)
height - 4"11
weight - 111

chest - 31
rib - 27
waist - 25.8
hips - 31
thigh (biggest part) - 20.2
knee - 14.5

MY MEASUREMENT GOALS FOR NEXT MONTH are:

chest - 30.5
rib - 26.5
waist - 25.5
hips - 30.5
thigh - 19.5 or 19 (i would be so fucking happy!)
knee - 14

MY DREAM MEASUREMENTS are:

chest - 30 (1 to go)
rib - 26 (0.5 to go)
waist - 24 (1.5 to go)
hips - 30 (1 to go)
thigh - 18.5 (1 to go)
knee - 13.5 (1 to go)

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 05:43:04 GMT

I WILL HAVE THE WORLD AT MY FEET.

JUST YOU ALL WAIT AND SEE.

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 04:29:46 GMT

As you walk down the streets,
with thoughts consuming your mind,
you hope u can scream, you can shout,
and the irony hits you,
in a world full of millions of people, you are alone.

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 04:50:46 GMT

110.6 this morning. boo yeah.

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 04:16:42 GMT

111.0 finally

my eating disorder is my old companion.

i'm sick with something right now, and i wish someone would take care of me. i feel so alone, so lonely.

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 01:53:39 GMT

111.8 now.

talk about being obsessed =\

anyways, hoping to be 111 tomorrow morning, hopefully then i'm only 110 really cause i'm bloating and on my period, gah.

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 23:34:57 GMT

Just weighed myself and i am at 112.4
I thought it would be worse, so i'm okay with the result.
I haven't worked out... since wednesday i think, wow, what a slackerrrrr!
Gotta do it tonight!

But what was astonishing was that, when i stepped on the scale it said 98.4, and then it said 94.5!!!!!!!

Wow, it was nice and sooo different seeing only double digits. i miss it.
i really need to go back to 99. wow, just wow.

Last night

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 22:25:56 GMT

... my ex called me, it has been a year since we've talked on the phone.

It seems like somehow we can never connect or be friendly to one another.
When i saw my cell phone ringing and the number that was appearing, i was shocked and really taken back. I was nervous about whether to even pick up or not, but obviously, i did... i mean how could i not?

At first, it was all laughs and jokes, well not much cause it was still awkwardly uncomfortable. He sounded really different, more laid back perhaps.

It came to a point in our conversation when he started to tell me the reasons as to why he had to break up with me... reasons that i could not have possible pressumed.

He tells me that one of the main reasons why it ended was because i never thought he was attractive, and he knew this because he had accidentally read my diary, years ago. There was no denying, a diary is most personal and most honest. Sure, i didn't think he was godly good-looking, but nor did i thought he was disgusting ugly, all in all i thought he was pretty cute. But it didn't really seem to matter. There was nothing i could say. Eventually i said 'sorry' , but as that word came about and out of my mouth, i thought to myself, 'why is there a need for me to apologize for my own feelings?'
But nonetheless, i still said it. I guess it was the only thing to say that seemed right. I wanted to try and explain myself by telling him i never thought he was ugly, which i truly never ever did. But he didn't want to hear it. He told me how much it really hurt him when he read it from my diary, the girl he loved the most. And that in return made tears roll down my face.

He tells me how he can't be my friend and won't be my friend because the only reason why i want to be his friend is because i want another chance, a shot at us being together again, to undo the wrongs and make the rights. But really, the reason is because he loved ME, and he gave me everything he could've given. Thus, i was selfish. He tells me that he doesn't believe i want to be his friend because i care about it, its because of all those reasons he had listed above. For awhile, i was reluctant. Finally, i'm starting to think that maybe he was right afterall.

He ended the phone call by hanging up on me.

Perhaps he is right, but it did hurt a lot hearing him say those words.
Maybe the only reason why i am is friend because i want another chance, i want to be loved and cared for.

I tell him that he doesn't have to be my friend if he doesn't want to, but its funny because before all of this, he was asking me to hang out. I think he's still very much confused and hurt by me, by all of this. I'm not sure what i can do or if i can do anything at all. I know is that i have to leave him alone, and let him be in peace and so he can find happiness.

I once asked him that looking back did he think we had anything special, and he said 'nah'. So how can he possibly say that he cares about me? Or was it a 'nah' beacuse i never cared about him?

I guess bottomline is, i will never know, unless he calls me up one day sometime next year and tell me a little bit more as to why he ended the relationship. Perhaps he'll give me more insight as to who i truly am.

Going into this relationship was wrong, because i did it for all the wrong reasons, and staying in this relationship was the worse decision.
I do have to admit that when he first asked me out and told me that he liked me, i felt the same way. But somehow down the line, i changed. I wanted more, and i will always be wanting more.

Experiencing this experience makes me afraid, afraid of going into another relationship beause i'm scared i'm doing it all wrong, or that this will happen again. I'm lost, confused and unhappy.

At this current moment:

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 00:57:56 GMT

MY CURRENT MEASUREMENTS are:
height - 4"11
weight - 111

chest - 31
rib - 27
waist - 25.8
hips - 31
thigh (biggest part) - 20.2
knee - 14.5

MY MEASUREMENT GOALS FOR NEXT MONTH are:

chest - 30.5
rib - 26.5
waist - 25.5 or 24
hips - 30.5
thigh - 19.5 or 19 (i would be so fucking happy!)
knee - 14

MY DREAM MEASUREMENTS are:

chest - 30 (1 to go)
rib - 26 (1 to go)
waist - 24 (2 to go)
hips - 30 (1 to go)
thigh - 18.5 (1.5 to go)
knee - 13.5 (1 to go)

It doesn't seem like much, but holy fuck, it is taking mother fuckin ass for fucking ever! shit son!

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 00:14:23 GMT

i can't help but wonder, will i ever escape?

note to self

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 00:50:56 GMT

some say that the best revenge is to live well...

fucking true!

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 23:33:44 GMT

Leila Tong - 5'4/95Lbs

Okay, another lovely ladie, i would die to look like! i know u guys think i'm being funny, but seriously man, i'd KILL!

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 23:17:31 GMT

Miss Chinese Internation, Linda Chung / 5'8-108Lbs

Seriously, i would KILL to look like that.
she's freakin' hot hot hot hot hot!!

Sat, 20 May 2006 04:47:25 GMT

Quote from Starbucks coffee

"Its difficult for people to get rid of junk. They get attached to things and let them define who they are. If there's one thing i've learned in this business, it's that you are what you can't let go of."