| Last night |
[Aug. 6th, 2007|06:07 pm] |
... my ex called me, it has been a year since we've talked on the phone.
It seems like somehow we can never connect or be friendly to one another.
When i saw my cell phone ringing and the number that was appearing, i was shocked and really taken back. I was nervous about whether to even pick up or not, but obviously, i did... i mean how could i not?
At first, it was all laughs and jokes, well not much cause it was still awkwardly uncomfortable. He sounded really different, more laid back perhaps.
It came to a point in our conversation when he started to tell me the reasons as to why he had to break up with me... reasons that i could not have possible pressumed.
He tells me that one of the main reasons why it ended was because i never thought he was attractive, and he knew this because he had accidentally read my diary, years ago. There was no denying, a diary is most personal and most honest. Sure, i didn't think he was godly good-looking, but nor did i thought he was disgusting ugly, all in all i thought he was pretty cute. But it didn't really seem to matter. There was nothing i could say. Eventually i said 'sorry' , but as that word came about and out of my mouth, i thought to myself, 'why is there a need for me to apologize for my own feelings?'
But nonetheless, i still said it. I guess it was the only thing to say that seemed right. I wanted to try and explain myself by telling him i never thought he was ugly, which i truly never ever did. But he didn't want to hear it. He told me how much it really hurt him when he read it from my diary, the girl he loved the most. And that in return made tears roll down my face.
He tells me how he can't be my friend and won't be my friend because the only reason why i want to be his friend is because i want another chance, a shot at us being together again, to undo the wrongs and make the rights. But really, the reason is because he loved ME, and he gave me everything he could've given. Thus, i was selfish. He tells me that he doesn't believe i want to be his friend because i care about it, its because of all those reasons he had listed above. For awhile, i was reluctant. Finally, i'm starting to think that maybe he was right afterall.
He ended the phone call by hanging up on me.
Perhaps he is right, but it did hurt a lot hearing him say those words.
Maybe the only reason why i am is friend because i want another chance, i want to be loved and cared for.
I tell him that he doesn't have to be my friend if he doesn't want to, but its funny because before all of this, he was asking me to hang out. I think he's still very much confused and hurt by me, by all of this. I'm not sure what i can do or if i can do anything at all. I know is that i have to leave him alone, and let him be in peace and so he can find happiness.
I once asked him that looking back did he think we had anything special, and he said 'nah'. So how can he possibly say that he cares about me? Or was it a 'nah' beacuse i never cared about him?
I guess bottomline is, i will never know, unless he calls me up one day sometime next year and tell me a little bit more as to why he ended the relationship. Perhaps he'll give me more insight as to who i truly am.
Going into this relationship was wrong, because i did it for all the wrong reasons, and staying in this relationship was the worse decision.
I do have to admit that when he first asked me out and told me that he liked me, i felt the same way. But somehow down the line, i changed. I wanted more, and i will always be wanting more.
Experiencing this experience makes me afraid, afraid of going into another relationship beause i'm scared i'm doing it all wrong, or that this will happen again. I'm lost, confused and unhappy. |
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